Dating Tip Tuesday: What You Absolutely Should Never Say On A First Date

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We’re all about communication, honesty and a willingness to be boldly transparent when you’re on a date. After all, how are you going to build a potentially long-lasting relationship with someone, if you have your figurative walls up? Being open with someone – and being willing to share certain aspects of yourself, your life, your goals, your possible future – is a pivotal part of the dating process.

However, there are some things you absolutely just shouldn’t say on a first date. Even if they’re true; even if they’re completely accurate and you would be 100% forthright in your confession; there are just some things that are either A) better left unsaid, or B) Never said at all.

So, with that in mind, here are just a few things that you should never, absolutely ever, say on a first date:

“I just finished cyber-stalking my ex.”

Just, don’t. Don’t. Even if you’re still having a difficult time completely letting go of your ex-husband/wife/significant other/lover/whoever, don’t admit to it. Don’t let your date know that while they’re going on about their favorite movies, you’re thinking about what your ex is doing and who they’re doing it with. Does it take time to get over a relationship? Of course, sometimes it really does and sometimes it is completely warranted. Just, you know, put on a brave face and don’t admit to it on a first date.

“I’m finished with my antibiotics in about 2-3 days.”

If the antibiotics are for a serious cold, you shouldn’t be on a date in the first place! If the antibiotics are for a sexually transmitted disease, well hey, stuff happens and we’re so very glad that you’re being safe and treating your symptoms and yes, talking about safe sex and disclosing any potential issues with a future partner is vital; but not on a first date. Not unless, of course, you plan on having sex on a first date. But if you aren’t and your “issue” is going to be cleared up in a few days, there’s honestly no point. Keep your burning loins, to yourself.

“My period is almost over.”

Again, periods aren’t “gross” and there’s no reason any woman should feel ashamed of a very natural bodily function, but there are some natural bodily functions that just don’t need to be discussed on a first date, at the dinner table while cocktails are being consumed and appetizers are being served.

“I slept with our server. I hope that’s not weird.”

There’s honestly just no reason to be divulging you sexual past to someone on a first date. They shouldn’t be asking, and you really don’t need to be willingly telling. A) that’s no one’s business and B) we can’t tell you that going down the list of past sexual encounters makes for great first date conversation.

We definitely encourage an open line of communication between you and your date, and that is best established through honesty and a willingness to open up and share. Just, you know, don’t open up and share too much.

Happy Dating!

-Your It’s Just Lunch Matchmakers,

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itsjustlunchseattle.com

ijldinnerclub.com 

Dating Tip Tuesday: How To Turn A First Date, Into A Second

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The only thing better than a first date, is a second one. However, turning a first date into a second date can, at times, be difficult. Connection aren’t always mutual, schedules don’t always synch and some people just aren’t as well intentioned as others. However, if you’ve just had an amazing first date and you’re adamant about seeing that potentially special someone again, here are three easy ways you can turn that first date, into date number two.

Follow Up Like A Boss

Don’t be afraid to be the first to reach out. There’s no reason why you should adhere to an aging social standard that says the man should be the one to call, and you definitely don’t need to follow some fictitious rule like “wait three days”. If you like them and want to see them again, let them know! It’s honestly that simple.

Call, Don’t Text

We understand that technology has dictated how we interact with one another, but a call is more meaningful than a text message. It just, well, is. If you feel uncomfortable calling, we understand and maybe, for you, text messaging is the way to go. But if you think you can stomach an actual phone call, do it. The fact that you made the time to speak into a phone and hear their voice on the other end, won’t go unnoticed.

Be Flexible 

If you want to see someone again, then you need to make it a priority. Securing a second date is the start of compromise; the very compromise you would have to uphold when in a long-term relationship. So don’t be surprised if seeing your date again would mean moving your schedule around or pulling an all-nighter one day a week for work. When you’re beginning to engage in a relationship, it’s important to remember that you’re not the only one involved.

At the end of the day, how your first date is going to dictate whether or not it turns into a second, but there are things you can do after your date is over to help ensure that you see that person again. It’s all about continuously engaging, being honest, and having the courage to put yourself out there.

Happy Dating!

-Your It’s Just Lunch Seattle Matchmakers,

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itsjustlunchseattle.com

ijldinnerclub.com 

Dating Tip Tuesday: How To Date When You’re A Parent

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Dating is hard for everyone, but it can be especially hard for a single parent. You’re decision, who you associate yourself with and who you decide to be romantically involved with affect more than just yourself, and the weight of your decisions is substantially heavier when children are involved.

But just because you’re a parent, doesn’t mean you don’t deserve the same love, romance and prospects as anyone else. Which is why, when you’re a single parent, you’re still entitled to a romantic life. The balance may be difficult to find, but here are a few ways to make dating when you’re a parent, easier.

Be Honest, Upfront And Always 

Having a child isn’t a piece of information you should ever feel like you should hide, and it most certainly help your dating life to avoid talking about your life in an organic and honest way. Be upfront about your situation; let your date know that yes, you’re a parent and yes, you’re up for (insert: whatever it is you’re up for). Communication is key when it comes to dating, for anyone, but especially when you’re a parent.

Take The Time To Self-Examinate 

It might be uncomfortable or awkward or even painful, but looking inward is key when you’re dating. Learn to be honest with yourself. Figure out what it is you’re looking for, want and need. You can’t be truthful with someone, if you’re not truthful with yourself, first.

Talk To Your Kids 

If your children are old enough to understand, be upfront and honest with them. There’s no reason to keep them in the dark as, well, let’s be honest: kids are smart. You don’t want your child to feel like you’re abandoning them, hurting them or putting them last on your list of important people, so be truthful about your intentions. Let them know that romance is important to everyone, and everyone definitely includes you.

Separate Your Dating Life From Your Parenting Life (For Now)

Being a parent means, more often than not, protecting your children. There’s no reason to involve your kid in your romantic conquests, until you feel like someone is in it for the long haul. We’re not saying that it’s healthy to lie to your kid, but we are saying that it’s healthy to protect your kid form a possible let down of what could turn into a revolving door or dating prospects. Don’t introduce your children to your date, until you are certain your date is going to stick around.

Find A Balance

Because you’re a parent, you’re incapable of investing all of who you are in one particular thing. Dating is just one facet of your complex life, so find a balance between being a parent, a coworker, a friend, and a date. You can put off a date to spend time with your kid; that’s completely warranted and healthy. And you can find someone to spend time with your kid, while you go on a date; that’s also completely healthy and warranted. Don’t let your guilt force you into putting too much time into one thing. Being a human is complicated and complex.

Dating is hard for everyone, but that definitely doesn’t mean it isn’t also worth it. For everyone. So whether you’re a single parent or just single, enjoy yourself, have fun and give yourself the opportunity to find the love of your life.

Happy Dating!

-Your It’s Just Lunch Seattle Matchmakers,

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itsjustlunchseattle.com

ijldinnerclub.com 

Coaching Topic Of The Month: The Power Of Waiting

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One topic that comes up a lot with my clients is “playing the dating game.” What a lot of clients don’t like to hear is that as much as you don’t want dating to be a game, it is. There’s a reason why I tell men and women not to text back right away, or not to get too eager on a second date. Mystery is what keeps people interested, and there’s scientific research to back it up. I recently started reading Aziz Ansari’s book, Modern Romance (stay tuned for my exciting book review next month! Sneak peek: you should all read it).

Early on in the book, Aziz talks about “The Power Of Waiting.” An excerpt reads,

 Psychologists have conducted hundreds of studies in which they reward lab animals in different ways under different conditions. One of the most intriguing findings is that “reward uncertainty”— in which, for instance, animals cannot predict whether pushing a lever will get them food—can dramatically increase their interest in getting a reward, while also enhancing their dopamine levels so that they basically feel coked up.

He then goes on to use texting as an example,

If a text back from someone is considered a “reward,” consider the fact that lab animals who get rewarded for pushing a lever every time will eventually slow down because they know that the next time they want a reward, it will be waiting for them. So basically, if you are the guy or girl who texts back immediately, you are taken for granted and ultimately lower your value as a reward. As a result, the person doesn’t feel as much of an urge to text you or, in the case of the lab animal, push the lever.

What I love about this example is that it applies not just to texting, but creating mystery in the dating process in general. This is also why I tell clients to keep the first date brief. If you meet for 5 hours and learn everything about each other, the urge to follow-up and see each other again quickly is decreased. Women want to be pursued, but men want to feel like they are working towards a reward (a great relationship). Make the reward too available, and he may start looking for a bigger challenge, and therefore more satisfying reward. In the same sense, if you’re a guy showing up to her work unannounced with flowers and chocolates after only one date, you probably need to dial it back a bit.

From this we learn that dating is a fine-tuned dance: being available but not too available, showing interest but not throwing yourself at someone, opening up but not putting all your cards on the table right away. So keep this in mind the next time you decide to text someone you’re interested in 3 times in a row without a response back. Play the game right and the relationship will be worth the wait!

Happy Dating!

-Your It’s Just Lunch Seattle Matchmaker,

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When It’s Time To Get Serious

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For most people, dating has an end game: a long term relationship. The goal isn’t to date forever, it’s to date until you find someone you’re ready (and willing) to settle down with. That means, eventually, you’ll come to a point when you have to decide if you want to continue dating casually, or if you want to take a short turn to serious town.

The question is: how do you know?

How do you know when it’s time to get serious about dating? While there are no hard and fast rules (as every situation and every person is different) here are a few signs that it’s time to think about settling down with someone potentially special.

1. You Don’t Stop Talking To Them 

Whether it’s via text, on the phone, through instant message, email or simply in person: if you don’t go a full day without talking to them, it might be time to think about leaving the dating scene behind. When someone is able to continuously take up all of your attention, they’re probably someone worth investing your time, energy and emotions into.

2. You Can’t Stop Thinking About Them 

You have to be careful with this one, because this could easily be a sign of infatuation, instead of true, deep and complex feelings. However, if a person is constantly bombarding the thought bombs of your brain, they might be a person worth pursuing.

3. You Start Making Future Plans 

If you’re thoughts about the future start involving them, that’s definitely a sign. If you think about vacations, trips around the city, a holiday with the family – and they’re there – chances are, they actually should be.

4. You Put Their Needs Ahead Of Your Own 

If you’re fully prepared and willing to put someone ahead of yourself (not in an unhealthy, dependent and self-loathing way, but a healthy, fair and compromising way) then you’re probably ready to take the next step into a relationship. Every relationship, especially romantic relationships, require a give-and-take, and if you’re ready to give so that someone else can take, you’re ready to settle down.

5. You Don’t Want To Be With Anyone Else 

Obviously this is THE telltale sign that you’re ready to get serious with someone. Monogamy is a vital part of any long-term relationship (if those involved in the relationship agree) and if you’re already there, and don’t feel the need to be with someone else, you’re falling head-over-heels my friend.

Relationships can be complicated, and so can the feelings that surround them. Sometimes it’s hard to trust yourself and the emotions that dating can bring about, but if you take the time to slow down, evaluate the situation and be honest with yourself, you’ll find that you know more than you think, especially when it comes to love.

Happy Dating!

-Your It’s Just Lunch Seattle Matchmakers,

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itsjustlunchseattle.com

ijldinnerclub.com 

How To Calm Your First Date Nerves

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Let’s be honest: dating can be stressful. Whether it’s trying to land a date to getting ready for a blind date to finally going on that first date you’ve been anxiously waiting for; dating can be emotionally taxing. Of course, that’s part of the allure. Adrenaline is somewhat intoxicating and while it can be unnerving, it can also be exciting. Simply put: there’s nothing like those first date, first kiss, first meeting jitters.

At the same time, while nerves can be exciting and addicting, they can also be uncomfortable. If you’re anything like many of our clients, you don’t mind being excited, but you definitely mind being stressed out. If you want to try and calm your first date nerves, here are a few easy-to-follow tricks that can get you in that perfect space of excited, nervous, but calm, cool and collected.

Pre-Date Mini Dance Party 

Music is the great unifier, and there’s nothing like a healthy rock out session to calm your mind and ease your nerves. Put on your favorite music while you’re getting ready. Give yourself some time to dance around your home or apartment; wild, free and full of energy. This will get rid of that energy that seems to have nowhere to go, as well as release endorphins; those feel good chemicals that will give you an euphoric, calm state of mind.

Remind Yourself That Hey, It’s Just A Date

Don’t look too far into the future and don’t put too much pressure on a dinner and/or drink date. After all, a date is just one moment in time. It’s one single, solitary situation in the ongoing story that is your life. You don’t have to view your date as the beginning of a potentially long-lasting love story and you don’t have to put a heavy amount of expectations on an otherwise casual social situation. Just have fun with it!

Plan Certain Conversation Starters

If you’re afraid of that uncomfortable silence, think of a few topics of conversation that you can touch on during the course of your date. No, we’re not saying that you should map out an entire conversation and stare at a sheet of paper all night. What we are saying is that it doesn’t hurt to keep a mental note in your head of possible conversation pieces, that could get a discussion rolling and help you and your date connect.

Try Your Hand At Meditation 

Even if it’s just for a small amount of time, take a moment to stop, focus on your breathing and center yourself before you walk out the door to head to your date. Try repeating positive affirmations to yourself; something that comforts, soothes and reminds you that you’re wonderful, capable and worthy of a great time.

Reach Out To Friends And/Or Family

We all have our person. You know who we’re talking about; that one person that we can text or call at any time, knowing that they’ll tell us exactly what we need to hear, at the exact moment we need to hear it. If you’re feeling super anxious, completely terrified and unsure that you can even get your butt out the door and to your date, call your person and ask them for some words of calm, anxious-killing wisdom. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with relying on those who love you most.

Dating can be stressful, but that definitely doesn’t mean it isn’t worth the anxiety. Just focus on the fun you’re going to have, and everything else will fall into place.

Happy Dating!

-Your It’s Just Lunch Seattle Matchmakers,

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itsjustlunchseattle.com

ijldinnerclub.com 

Dating Tip Tuesday: What Your Favorite First Date Says About You

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You can tell a lot about a person on a first date, but the kind of first date a person enjoys, might just be able to tell you even more. There is no end to the kind of first date a person can have, so if they make their preferences known while planning your initial encounter, you can start to gauge who they are, what they like, and what you should expect.

Of course, there are no concrete rules when it comes to dating. While you can assume what a person is like based on their choices, the best way to get to know someone is (you guessed it) taking the time to actually get to know them. If you want results, you’re going to have to invest your time, energy and emotions.

But if you’re looking for a few shameless short cuts, we have you covered. Here’s what your favorite first date, says about you.

Expensive Restaurant

If you enjoy a darkly-lit, one-on-one setting, chances are you’re a hopeless romantic. You like grand gestures, have a few too many romantic comedies, and believe in timeless love. You would rather stay at home with your significant other, spending time with them and them alone, than going to a club or a crowded public event. Chances are, you never forget a birthday or anniversary, and there isn’t a present too expensive because, hey, you can’t put a price on love, right? You’re all about your significant other, and when you’re around them, they have our undivided attention.

Movie Theater

You’re an introvert that, well, is constantly nervous. You don’t want to be put in a situation where you have to answer (or ask) a bunch of questions, so you would rather put yourself in an environment where “not talking” is the name of the game. You’re in no rush to force a conversation, and would rather connect with someone via common interests, than try to cultivate a relationship out of thin air.

Crowded Club

You’re an extrovert who not only loves people, but loves showing off their significant other to people. You love feeling alive, in the moment, and you probably don’t think too far into the future. You’re all about the here and now, and are (we’d assume) more interested in having fun than establishing a possibly long lasting relationship.

Theme Park and/or Bowling Alley

You’re a kid at heart, and wouldn’t want to spend a significant amount of time with someone who isn’t lighthearted, fun-loving and always up for an adventure. You love to laugh, and consider comedy to be the great neutralizer. You’re not interested in anything serious, but you’re not just looking for a fling either. You’re all about having fun and enjoying yourself, and if you can do that with someone long term, the better.

Concert Venue 

There’s no doubt that you’re artistic, and have a mind, body, soul connection that you would very much like to share with someone else. You don’t mind sitting with someone, enjoying a moment that doesn’t need words in order to be special, and experiencing a moment together.

There’s no quick, easy way to get to know someone. You still have to invest time and energy if you want to establish an worthwhile, long-standing connection. But hey, every little bit help!

Happy dating!

-Your It’s Just Lunch Seattle Matchmakers,

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itsjustlunchseattle.com

ijldinnerclub.com